I sat in a small room with a box of old books and papers. I sit on this military-style bunk with a single lamp overhead, and open  up one of the comic books. It was similar to "Dante's Inferno", rendered in a black and white "ashcan" art style. It reminded  me  of some comics my father used to buy when I was a kid. These independent titles  were not always made for children.

This one story seemed like it was from another place - it was not meant for this world. As I pages through it, the book seemed to reveal disturbing truths One page showed a view of heaven - a white cloudy sky over top of long ocean horizon. There were what appear to be angels flying through the sky in layers - all circling like birds, riding the air currents above the ocean. A girl appeared to fall into them from high above, as she had died, and was sent to heaven. However as the comic panel reveals all the creatures in this area are harpies. They are all monstrous humans with bird wings, each covered in what appears to be seagull poop; flies buzzing around each. Two harpies grab the falling wingless girl. This is intensely disturbing for me. I'm reminded that some things in life cannot be unseen.
In the comic, there is another group of these creatures further below heading into a cave. The comic's narrative box reveals they are going into the cave to "help keep up their numbers".
In horror, I close the comic, discarding it back into the box. 

(...)

It is night time, and I exit out of this small room. I stand in my father's parents dining room - their grandfatherclock chiming 3, then fading to silence.
I have a collection of papers in a basket, each detailing strange knowledge. I want to share this with J-, as she expressed interest in it at some point before. I call her to see where she is, and she's outside - but leaving. 

I rush though the kitchen, and the house is a hospital ward. The power flickers, and many banks of lights remain off. I can't go down the right hallway. A female medical technician or nurse stops me, saying I can't see J-, forcing my exit into a stairwell. 

I need to get to J- in time. She's leaving, and seemed distraught. I run around each bend in the concrete stairwell. I go so quickly, I swing around corners - pivoting on a central pipe at each level. I run past a group of people who seem surprised I am there.

I bust through the push-bar doors into a beautiful sunny day. People are celebrating, with soft music in the distance. Many sit on picknick blankets, quietly enjoying the afternoon.

I'm frantically looking for J-, but I can't see her. My phone rings, and it's her. She doesn't want the papers I collected. She doesn't want to see me, and she has to - my phone screen garbels and breaks, disconnecting the call. I try to bring up the last call number, but it's not listed. I try the last number, and it's a restaurant.

This sunny place reminds me of my old elementary school yard playground - an innocent time when I was able to live in the present moment, not shackled by the past. I stand on the concrete outside area, surrounded by beauty, and feel the happiness and warmth of my surroundings - and the crushing sadness of my circumstance. I'm sad for my loss, but more worried for J-, I don't know what happened to her, or if she's all right.

Under the sunny cloudless sky, I sit down on the pavement. The festival continues on around me. I know in that moment how wonderful life is, and how innescapeable the loss and pain are for me. The sky darkens as the sun sets.

A small child offers me a lollypop as he walks by because I looked sad. I accept it from him, and he waves at me as he walks away, shilouetteted by the setting sun.

[...]

Any time life gave me exactly what I wanted, I realize was only ever seeing what I wanted - not what truly was.

I've gotten exactly what I wanted in the past - but it was an illusion, painted on the inside of my own head. To mourn that is to be sad a dream ended, rather than happy for the experience.